missingthekeep | [for Meredith]

Entry tags:

[for Meredith]

It's long past late by the time Sean weaves his way around Doc and pulls himself through the front door, battered and sore but feeling on top of the world in spite of it all. A few drinks to calm his nerves had unfortunately had something of the opposite effect, making him more jumped up and energetic than ever and turning into a few more, which wound up costing him half the evening. Either way, he's home now, no matter the shape he's in. And anyway, he hadn't meant to get in a fight, he'd been more curious than anything when he turned up to the little gathering, but then he wasn't exactly given a choice and that had been that. He certainly can't regret it, at any rate, not when coming home to Meredith has been the perfect ending to far worse days than this one.

Hopefully she's still awake.

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"It's not," Meredith protests, looking up again. "I want you to be happy. I want you to do what you want to do. That doesn't mean that I have to like it or I want to think about it." Whether she wants to or not, she can't help it now, seeing the results of his trying to have some facsimile of the effect, thinking how easy it would be for him to always be away from her, too.

"Ye want it but ye dinnae like it," Sean says skeptically, willfully ignorant of her meaning when it's so much easier just to see his side of things. She should like the idea of him doing something of worth, she should want to think about it. Sighing, he shakes his head and goes back to slipping his hands up the back of her shirt. "Whate'er, f'rget it, 's nothin'."

Meredith makes a small, startled sound, leaning forward to rest her head against his. "I'm sorry, okay?" she says. "It doesn't even matter when we're stuck here. I just know it'd mean you being away a lot and in danger and I'd miss you." He's doing his damnedest to make her forget why that is, even as she presses back into his hands, but it's still true. Most of the truth anyway, though she knows it's unfair when she intends to work such long shifts as soon as she can be back in a real O.R.

"Doesnae matter here at all," Sean says, but even the sublime distraction of unhooking her bra isn't enough to keep a bitter edge out of his voice and he does his best to ignore it.

"It does to you." Voice falling almost to a whisper, Meredith kisses him again, fingers brushing over his cheek. She can't take back what she said and she wouldn't. It's true, whether he likes it or not. Still, she wants some way to fix this and she's not at all sure this is it. "Here isn't forever. We'll get out of this. You'll get back to it."

Sean pauses and watches her closely, eyes unfocused but not unfeeling. That they'll get out of here one day, that this isn't all they get, it's something he fervently believes most of the time, but right now, battered and bruised and feeling better than he has in months because of it, it seems hopelessly optimistic, and optimism hasn't gotten him very far in this place.

"I know," he says with a tiny nod of his head. He doesn't sound particularly assured.

"Until then, we're here." It's only in the face of thoughts of what he'll do if they get out of here that Meredith ever feels doubt as to whether or not she actually wants to leave. She can't ask him not to go back to that kind of work, though, and even if she could, the conversation would be pointless now. Leaning in to kiss him first, soft and quick, she slips her shirt off and drops it to the floor. "You said you just wanted to come home to me. I'm right here."

"R-right," Sean says, like this turn of events somehow comes as a surprise to him before he gets a hold of himself and resumes kissing on her, his voice lowering. "Right."

As long as one of them believes it, maybe that's enough. It's not going to change their present truth, either way.

For a moment, Meredith thinks he's changed his mind somehow, that she's actually misstepped. She hates these moments when she's unsure around him. They're rare, but they always leave her so unsettled, even when he kisses her like that. She sits back, tugging her bra strap up where it's slipping. "We're okay, right? You still want to...?"

"Mmm?" Sean murmurs with a slight frown, still distracted, although he doesn't let up. "O' course." A few drinks, a fight, and a fuck, what better way could there be to end a night?

"You just —" Meredith shakes her head. "Nevermind. Come on," she says, leaning close again, "then show me you do." Granted, he's the one who's been pushing for it. She shouldn't have any reason to doubt that. It's nothing, just this long, tiring mess getting to her.

"I c'n do that," Sean murmurs, grinning again as he struggles to undo his jeans one-handed, the other roaming absently across her body. "Always want ye." Right now, though, it just seems that much more important than usual that he does.

"Even when I say things you don't want to hear?" Meredith asks, kissing him without waiting for an answer. She wants one, wants to hear it's true, even if she should already know it. It's easy to forget with the mood being what it was, though it's taking a turn for the better.

"Apparently," Sean says, already pushing his pants down his hips as if to demonstrate this point. There's also the handy side-effect of stopping her from saying things he doesn't want to hear, so it's win-win in a lot of ways, at least until morning rolls around.

"Good to know." Meredith lies back, biting her lip as she watches him, then shakes her head. "Come kiss me," she says. "Just... hold up a minute and... I don't know, I feel weird about this. I mean, I want it, but..." She shrugs, looking up at the ceiling. She doesn't want to watch him getting annoyed with her again, not right now.

Sean lives up to her expectations, barely holding in an exasperated sigh as he finishes kicking off his jeans only to lay down next to her, his expression strained. "But what?"

Meredith shrugs again before she looks at him, rolling onto her side to face him. "It just feels weird," she says again, expression apologetic, though that fades when she leans in to kiss him again, slipping her bra off the rest of the way. "It's nothing. It's fine."

Losing himself in her kiss, it's tempting, so tempting, to just drop it and keep going, and Sean's inwardly kicking himself as he draws back. "Weird how?" he asks, the tension in his voice stemming mostly from the physical side of things rather than frustration with her. "It's either fine're it's nae."

"It is," Meredith says, lifting a hand in a gesture that's far less certain. "Fine. It's fine." It's the same feeling she gets when she's forgotten something, though, everything just a little off because of it. "I think it's just, the transition was sudden, you know? Fighting and then this. I'm not saying I don't want to, I do, I want you, I just... need a minute to adjust."

"Fine," Sean sighs, rolling onto his back and just staring at the ceiling. "Take all the time ye need." This is all he wanted to begin with. He's not the one who picked a fight in the first place.

Well, not with her.

"Sean," Meredith says, propping her head up on one hand, the other reaching for him before she pulls it back to cover herself. "I didn't mean like that, god, come on. I just want to take it slow for a minute, that's all, okay?" She looks down at the pillow, not sure if she wants to leave or snap or what, feeling so annoyingly vulnerable.

"Well, why don't ye jus' go ta sleep, then? Doesnae get much slower'n that," Sean snipes, regretting it immediately. She's just being honest with him, and he hates how childish he sounds, but he's drunk and hurt and horny, none of which make it easy to think things through properly. Lashing out is always the simplest of reactions.

"Fine," Meredith says, rolling over to face away from him, not able or bothering to hide the hurt in her voice. There's no way in hell she's sleeping now, wired from everything that's happened, wanting to put on her clothes but not wanting to move. "You don't want me anyway." It sickens her, how sure she is of that.

"How can ye say that?" Sean asks, louder than he intends, finally moving to face her now that she's got her back to him. "What, ye think I was lyin' before?"

"You're mad at me," Meredith says, not moving. She can't look at him when she feels like this, all but ready to burst into tears at the wrong word. It's just been a long night, that's the only excuse she can give for that. "Because I — you just want sex, you don't care if you're mad at me, you don't want me. I don't want it."

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