missingthekeep | [for Meredith]

Entry tags:

[for Meredith]

It's long past late by the time Sean weaves his way around Doc and pulls himself through the front door, battered and sore but feeling on top of the world in spite of it all. A few drinks to calm his nerves had unfortunately had something of the opposite effect, making him more jumped up and energetic than ever and turning into a few more, which wound up costing him half the evening. Either way, he's home now, no matter the shape he's in. And anyway, he hadn't meant to get in a fight, he'd been more curious than anything when he turned up to the little gathering, but then he wasn't exactly given a choice and that had been that. He certainly can't regret it, at any rate, not when coming home to Meredith has been the perfect ending to far worse days than this one.

Hopefully she's still awake.

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Meredith lies down again, flat on her back, staring blankly at the ceiling as she steels herself not to just turn away. It takes effort to listen, to hear what he's actually saying, and it still hurts. "I don't care about easy," she says. "The problems we've had, they don't have anything to do with that." Except the ones that do.

"Please," Sean says, feeling her absence keenly and reaching for her automatically. "Ye're tellin' me tonight wasnae a problem?"

"Everyone has problems," Meredith says, looking over at him without moving closer. Part of her badly wants to, but she mostly doesn't want to move at all. "All couples fight. You're telling me if you'd waited, we'd never fight?"

Sean makes a face at that, finally opening his eyes to look at her when he can't get her to come closer. "Well, when ye put it like that it sounds kind o' daft," he admits, one side of his mouth hitching up into a wry smile for a fraction of a second. "S'pose we're jus' scrappers, the two of us." That doesn't make him stop feeling as if there should be some way for him to make this better for her that he just isn't seeing.

"You think you'd be happier?" Meredith asks, turning to face him again, though she doesn't quite look at him now. "Is that... if we hadn't..." She shakes her head and sighs, at a loss for how to finish that sentence.

Sean's not sure what she's trying to get at, so he elects to keep babbling on instead of answering a question she may or may not be asking. "This was always gonna happen, ye an' I. We were always gonna happen. I dinnae ken what I'd be without ye, an' I dinnae want to. I jus' cannae help but think that I should've gotten me own affairs in order 'fore I went draggin' ye down into 'em. I always have."

"I don't mind," Meredith says, shaking her head emphatically as she reaches up to touch his cheek. "If it's about protecting me or something, it's stupid, I don't care. I've dragged you into all of my problems. You were my friend, I was gonna care anyway, and if we waited until we were all fixed and healed, we'd never be together."

"I care," Sean protests, but he shakes his head a moment later, curling towards her. "Ye're right, though, I know't, I jus'... I don't know. I want ta protect ye. I want ta be someone who's good f'r ye, who's stable an' together, at least in this, e'en if I make a mess out o' everythin' else in me life. I... I dinnae ken what 'm e'en sayin' anymore."

"You are good for me," Meredith says, shifting closer. She's not altogether certain how to address all that, but that seems like the most important thing just now. "You're good for me. And we'll fix the mess, we'll get through it. You and me."

"You an' me," Sean echoes, eyes shut tight again as he buries his face down where her shoulder meets the bed. "'M sorry," he goes on, voice muffled. "I feel like a prize arse, ramblin' on like this. I jus' hate the thought o' yer bein' cross wi' me on top of everythin' else, e'en when ye've every right t'be."

Slipping her arm around him, Meredith brushes her fingers through his hair. "I know," she murmurs, "I know. I hate it, too. I don't want to get mad at you, I don't want to fight. But I can't just hold my tongue and pretend I don't mind."

Sean smiles at that in spite of himself, though it remains hidden since he doesn't move. "Jus' another reason I love ye, that."

Meredith catches herself smiling, too, pressing a kiss to the side of his head. It's not like she thought he'd rather she not say anything, but it helps to hear. "When I'm not yelling at you, it is," she teases. "But I don't think we'd be any happier if I stopped."

"If I stopped givin' ye reason to, on the other hand..." Sean sighs, tentatively looking up at her.

"That might help," Meredith says wryly, leaning down to kiss him. "We'd find something. I'm not saying keep doing these things, please don't, but... I think there'd always be something. If it wasn't you, it'd be me."

"We're nae built f'r peace, ye an' I," Sean murmurs, frozen in place again after she kisses him, and while it's not a question, his voice rises a bit toward the end as if it is.

"I don't know about that," Meredith says, shifting so she can lie on her stomach, head propped on one hand. "We're just not made for doing nothing. I don't know if that's the same." She's at peace now, at least, although that might not mean much since that's compared to an evening of feeling like crap.

"Maybe nae," Sean admits, though he doesn't sound convinced as he reaches over to rest a hand flat on the small of her back, heavy and warm. She's not the one who goes around actively trying to break what little peace they can get, after all.

Meredith drops her head to rest on her folded arms, shifting closer. "Maybe not," she echoes. "I don't know. It's the doing nothing that gets to me. I can't fix anything. I can't find anything or cure anything. I can't even just be a surgeon." It's her turn now just to talk, meandering through half-formed ideas. In spite of it all, she's relaxed again, content just to be talking even if it's not the happiest of topics. "I probably would have come home after you tonight if we were in Seattle. I like coming home, I like the... being at peace. Even a little settled, I don't mind. But doing nothing..."

Sean nods, unconsciously mirroring her position and gritting his teeth to keep from wincing as he shifts. "Aye," he replies, nodding once. He can't even come up with anything comforting to say, since it's just one of the miserable facts of life here. "I know what ye mean. Lord knows I likely wouldnae've gone an' done this if'n we were in Seattle, late night or no."

"Would you even be in the city?" Meredith asks, wrinkling up her nose apologetically, aware it might be a touchy subject and one she still has her misgivings about. It's not enough to make her stop talking or change topic, though. "I know your work takes you away a lot. You are right, though, I do want you to be able to do something fulfilling and productive. I'd just miss you."

"I'd miss ye, too," Sean says with a small, sad smile, moving his hand up to rest heavily against her cheek for the moment. He's far enough out of it that it's not even all that upsetting right now, just a simple statement of truth. "But I'm sure that job o' yers'd keep ye distracted enae that ye'd hardly notice when I was gone."

"That's not true," Meredith says, eyes closing. "I'd notice. I would. Job or no job, I'd notice. It'd be a long time, wouldn't it?" It reminds her distantly of something her mother once said about finding someone who understood her work. She's the one who has trouble with it now, even if it doesn't really matter here. "I think that's the one thing I'd miss about this place."

"Nae always. But sometimes, aye, it'd be a long while," Sean confirms, watching her. "I'd miss it, too. It's nae worth the trade-off, though."

Meredith doesn't answer for a moment, doesn't open her eyes. She can't help thinking it should be a relief to hear that, but it isn't yet, even though she sometimes feels guilty for how much she needs more than this. Leaning closer, she kisses him, then shakes her head. "No," she says, "it's not. Sometimes it feels like it is, though. For a little while."

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