missingthekeep | [for Meredith]

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[for Meredith]

It's long past late by the time Sean weaves his way around Doc and pulls himself through the front door, battered and sore but feeling on top of the world in spite of it all. A few drinks to calm his nerves had unfortunately had something of the opposite effect, making him more jumped up and energetic than ever and turning into a few more, which wound up costing him half the evening. Either way, he's home now, no matter the shape he's in. And anyway, he hadn't meant to get in a fight, he'd been more curious than anything when he turned up to the little gathering, but then he wasn't exactly given a choice and that had been that. He certainly can't regret it, at any rate, not when coming home to Meredith has been the perfect ending to far worse days than this one.

Hopefully she's still awake.

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"That might help," Meredith says wryly, leaning down to kiss him. "We'd find something. I'm not saying keep doing these things, please don't, but... I think there'd always be something. If it wasn't you, it'd be me."

"We're nae built f'r peace, ye an' I," Sean murmurs, frozen in place again after she kisses him, and while it's not a question, his voice rises a bit toward the end as if it is.

"I don't know about that," Meredith says, shifting so she can lie on her stomach, head propped on one hand. "We're just not made for doing nothing. I don't know if that's the same." She's at peace now, at least, although that might not mean much since that's compared to an evening of feeling like crap.

"Maybe nae," Sean admits, though he doesn't sound convinced as he reaches over to rest a hand flat on the small of her back, heavy and warm. She's not the one who goes around actively trying to break what little peace they can get, after all.

Meredith drops her head to rest on her folded arms, shifting closer. "Maybe not," she echoes. "I don't know. It's the doing nothing that gets to me. I can't fix anything. I can't find anything or cure anything. I can't even just be a surgeon." It's her turn now just to talk, meandering through half-formed ideas. In spite of it all, she's relaxed again, content just to be talking even if it's not the happiest of topics. "I probably would have come home after you tonight if we were in Seattle. I like coming home, I like the... being at peace. Even a little settled, I don't mind. But doing nothing..."

Sean nods, unconsciously mirroring her position and gritting his teeth to keep from wincing as he shifts. "Aye," he replies, nodding once. He can't even come up with anything comforting to say, since it's just one of the miserable facts of life here. "I know what ye mean. Lord knows I likely wouldnae've gone an' done this if'n we were in Seattle, late night or no."

"Would you even be in the city?" Meredith asks, wrinkling up her nose apologetically, aware it might be a touchy subject and one she still has her misgivings about. It's not enough to make her stop talking or change topic, though. "I know your work takes you away a lot. You are right, though, I do want you to be able to do something fulfilling and productive. I'd just miss you."

"I'd miss ye, too," Sean says with a small, sad smile, moving his hand up to rest heavily against her cheek for the moment. He's far enough out of it that it's not even all that upsetting right now, just a simple statement of truth. "But I'm sure that job o' yers'd keep ye distracted enae that ye'd hardly notice when I was gone."

"That's not true," Meredith says, eyes closing. "I'd notice. I would. Job or no job, I'd notice. It'd be a long time, wouldn't it?" It reminds her distantly of something her mother once said about finding someone who understood her work. She's the one who has trouble with it now, even if it doesn't really matter here. "I think that's the one thing I'd miss about this place."

"Nae always. But sometimes, aye, it'd be a long while," Sean confirms, watching her. "I'd miss it, too. It's nae worth the trade-off, though."

Meredith doesn't answer for a moment, doesn't open her eyes. She can't help thinking it should be a relief to hear that, but it isn't yet, even though she sometimes feels guilty for how much she needs more than this. Leaning closer, she kisses him, then shakes her head. "No," she says, "it's not. Sometimes it feels like it is, though. For a little while."

Sean gives a hum of assent, but he doesn't actually say anything for a while, content to lay there with, his hand on her back, foreheads touching. Then, quietly, "Maybe I could stay."

Meredith smiles, slow and easy, but she shakes her head, too. "I'm not gonna ask you to give that up," she says, though she wants it badly, doesn't care how selfish that is. It's still clear he needs his work as much as she needs hers.

"But ye'd want to," Sean says in that same lazy, matter-of-fact manner, closing his eyes.

"Of course I would," Meredith says. There's no reason to pretend otherwise. It's not like he doesn't know anyway. "I like waking up with you and going to sleep with you, I like having you around. I like knowing you're in the next room. Of course I'd want you to stay."

"So... maybe I could," Sean says again. It makes sense, really, especially after everything he's put her through. If he can only make things better in hypothetical future scenarios, well, then that will just have to do.

"But what about your job?" Meredith asks, eyes open again as she draws back just enough to get a better look at him. Maybe it doesn't matter because it isn't now, maybe by the time they get out of here, he'll have changed his mind, but right now it feels important.

Sean shrugs slowly, his eyes still closed. It isn't as if he's thought this through any. "Could get work wi' the local PD or summat, I s'pose. It wouldnae be the same, but at least I could be there f'r ye."

"I don't know," Meredith says. It's the first time she's thought they might get to keep this a little as it is when they get out of here, but she still hesitates. "No reason why we couldn't try it that way. And if you didn't like it, you could go back to the old work."

"Yeah," Sean says, his smile spreading into a grin, liking the idea more and more as he dwells on it. It probably helps that Interpol had lost a lot of its lustre in those last few months. "An' c'mon, ye know ye'd love me in a proper uniform."

Meredith laughs, shaking her head. It's all just an idea anyway, but she can't help being pleased. "You know, it never did it for me before," she says, "but I think I might wind up making an exception."

"Ye're too kind," Sean says with a laugh, kissing her and openly beaming now. "Saints, I'm lucky."

"The luckiest," Meredith agrees, biting back another laugh as she turns toward him. "I'm not doing so bad myself." And if it happens, if they go back and try this and he still changes his mind, at least she'll know they tried. At least she'll get a little time. "And I'm sure you're very hot in uniform."

"Ye're damn right I am," Sean intones playfully as he rolls onto his back again, since it's simpler than worrying about how lucky she may or may not be. "One day, then."

Meredith settles in against him, head on his shoulder. "One day," she agrees. "If we ever make it out of here. And if it doesn't work that way, it doesn't, but at least we'll try. Get in a few good months of going to work and coming home to each other."

[for Meredith]

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