missingthekeep | [for Meredith]

Entry tags:

[for Meredith]

It's long past late by the time Sean weaves his way around Doc and pulls himself through the front door, battered and sore but feeling on top of the world in spite of it all. A few drinks to calm his nerves had unfortunately had something of the opposite effect, making him more jumped up and energetic than ever and turning into a few more, which wound up costing him half the evening. Either way, he's home now, no matter the shape he's in. And anyway, he hadn't meant to get in a fight, he'd been more curious than anything when he turned up to the little gathering, but then he wasn't exactly given a choice and that had been that. He certainly can't regret it, at any rate, not when coming home to Meredith has been the perfect ending to far worse days than this one.

Hopefully she's still awake.

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For a moment, Meredith thinks he's changed his mind somehow, that she's actually misstepped. She hates these moments when she's unsure around him. They're rare, but they always leave her so unsettled, even when he kisses her like that. She sits back, tugging her bra strap up where it's slipping. "We're okay, right? You still want to...?"

"Mmm?" Sean murmurs with a slight frown, still distracted, although he doesn't let up. "O' course." A few drinks, a fight, and a fuck, what better way could there be to end a night?

"You just —" Meredith shakes her head. "Nevermind. Come on," she says, leaning close again, "then show me you do." Granted, he's the one who's been pushing for it. She shouldn't have any reason to doubt that. It's nothing, just this long, tiring mess getting to her.

"I c'n do that," Sean murmurs, grinning again as he struggles to undo his jeans one-handed, the other roaming absently across her body. "Always want ye." Right now, though, it just seems that much more important than usual that he does.

"Even when I say things you don't want to hear?" Meredith asks, kissing him without waiting for an answer. She wants one, wants to hear it's true, even if she should already know it. It's easy to forget with the mood being what it was, though it's taking a turn for the better.

"Apparently," Sean says, already pushing his pants down his hips as if to demonstrate this point. There's also the handy side-effect of stopping her from saying things he doesn't want to hear, so it's win-win in a lot of ways, at least until morning rolls around.

"Good to know." Meredith lies back, biting her lip as she watches him, then shakes her head. "Come kiss me," she says. "Just... hold up a minute and... I don't know, I feel weird about this. I mean, I want it, but..." She shrugs, looking up at the ceiling. She doesn't want to watch him getting annoyed with her again, not right now.

Sean lives up to her expectations, barely holding in an exasperated sigh as he finishes kicking off his jeans only to lay down next to her, his expression strained. "But what?"

Meredith shrugs again before she looks at him, rolling onto her side to face him. "It just feels weird," she says again, expression apologetic, though that fades when she leans in to kiss him again, slipping her bra off the rest of the way. "It's nothing. It's fine."

Losing himself in her kiss, it's tempting, so tempting, to just drop it and keep going, and Sean's inwardly kicking himself as he draws back. "Weird how?" he asks, the tension in his voice stemming mostly from the physical side of things rather than frustration with her. "It's either fine're it's nae."

"It is," Meredith says, lifting a hand in a gesture that's far less certain. "Fine. It's fine." It's the same feeling she gets when she's forgotten something, though, everything just a little off because of it. "I think it's just, the transition was sudden, you know? Fighting and then this. I'm not saying I don't want to, I do, I want you, I just... need a minute to adjust."

"Fine," Sean sighs, rolling onto his back and just staring at the ceiling. "Take all the time ye need." This is all he wanted to begin with. He's not the one who picked a fight in the first place.

Well, not with her.

"Sean," Meredith says, propping her head up on one hand, the other reaching for him before she pulls it back to cover herself. "I didn't mean like that, god, come on. I just want to take it slow for a minute, that's all, okay?" She looks down at the pillow, not sure if she wants to leave or snap or what, feeling so annoyingly vulnerable.

"Well, why don't ye jus' go ta sleep, then? Doesnae get much slower'n that," Sean snipes, regretting it immediately. She's just being honest with him, and he hates how childish he sounds, but he's drunk and hurt and horny, none of which make it easy to think things through properly. Lashing out is always the simplest of reactions.

"Fine," Meredith says, rolling over to face away from him, not able or bothering to hide the hurt in her voice. There's no way in hell she's sleeping now, wired from everything that's happened, wanting to put on her clothes but not wanting to move. "You don't want me anyway." It sickens her, how sure she is of that.

"How can ye say that?" Sean asks, louder than he intends, finally moving to face her now that she's got her back to him. "What, ye think I was lyin' before?"

"You're mad at me," Meredith says, not moving. She can't look at him when she feels like this, all but ready to burst into tears at the wrong word. It's just been a long night, that's the only excuse she can give for that. "Because I — you just want sex, you don't care if you're mad at me, you don't want me. I don't want it."

"Meredith," Sean sighs, shifting forward until he can rest his forehead against her shoulder blade. He's doing his best to will some of the tension out of his voice, but it isn't easy. "I'm nae mad at ye. I jus' dinnae want ta fight. I dinnae want t'have been fightin', nae with ye. I jus' want ta forget it."

"You didn't have to snap at me," Meredith says quietly, but she turns her head a little, not quite looking back yet. It's like all she can do is forgive him over and over and over, whatever it takes to make this one corner of their lives okay. She isn't sure it is yet. "I just didn't want it like that."

"'M sorry," Sean whispers, his lips brushing against her skin as he talks. Slowly, almost cautious about it, he reaches over to rest a hand gently at her hip. "I get that, I jus'... 'm sorry."

It takes her a few moments, but Meredith relents, turning carefully toward him, slipping lower so she can kiss him. "Still love me?" she asks. She doesn't care how goddamn needy she sounds, she still feels the need to ask, maybe because the answer's the only thing she feels sure of.

"Always," Sean replies, deepening the kiss without a moment's hesitation. He hardly knows which way his own head is screwed on these days, so when given the opportunity to assure her of one of the few things he never wavers on, he relishes it. If only he was better at showing it in other ways. Slipping his arm around her, he pauses for a moment, eyes cast downward. "Same question."

Meredith nods, pulling him into another kiss. "Always," she says. He drives her half-crazy, but that part's never in doubt. In spite of having known he'd say that, in spite of everything, hearing it's enough to ease her uncertainty, make her press closer. "So much."

Sean groans quietly, pushing his hips against hers when she edges closer, but even with the state he's in, he's hesitant to push things after being shot down already. "Still want me?"

It's a little frustrating for her that the answer's the same to that question, too. Meredith hesitates a moment, then nods again, hand moving down his back to pull him closer. "Yes," she says. "God, Sean, yes."

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