missingthekeep | [for Meredith]

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[for Meredith]

It's not often that Sean comes home in this state anymore, with that old swagger in his step that comes from too much focus spent keeping it steady, but really, that's what makes the times when he does go all out all the more worth it. That's what he tells himself, anyway. The guilt that he feels when he drinks is a rather unwelcome recent addition, however, fading echoes of a fight with Meredith that he barely remembers always ready to creep up on him as soon as he lets his guard down, and there's only so much rationalizing he can do after he's had a few. Which leads to more drinking, which leads to nights like tonight. It doesn't seem fair, somehow, when he's finally getting over the depression that had plagued him for months, to be brought low by something so utterly ridiculous, but at least it tends to fade away pretty reliably somewhere during the short walk home. These are good days he's living in, good times, and these nights are the exception as opposed to the rule now. Which makes them all the more worth it.

He pauses in the yard to ruffle Doc's fur when he gets home and the damn mutt nearly gets him rolling around on the ground with him by the time Sean drags himself through the front door. "Hey you," he drawls fondly when he spots Meredith and heads over to a chair, draping his jacket over the back of it before taking a seat with a heavy sigh. "We should have a couch. Why don't we have a couch?"

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Meredith sighs, head turning away, petulant. "I know," she says. "But does it really mean all the rest of it was meaningless?" She's been cruel before and irritable and demanding, but she's been patient, too, and understanding even when it made her feel her heart was ripping in two, waiting out so much trouble. That has to count for something still.

"I didnae say that," Sean emphatically denies, stepping in close to her, eager for whatever connection he can make until they fix this. "This has been everythin' t'me, ye know it has." And he knows that. It's such a small thing, so simple to overlook, the easy assurance that she gets it, gets him, and will love him to the ends of the Earth anyway, that he only realizes how gaping a hole it left now that it's back. It's a wonder that he's been able to smile at all, these past few weeks. He knows that he should feel guilty as all sin that there was room for him to doubt it at all, but mostly, he's just relieved.

"It was jus' a lot t' take in, is all, an' ye gave me a shock, an' I... I wondered f'r a time if the rest of't would always be enough. An' I was wrong to, I know that now." She wouldn't be fighting him so hard on this if there was even a chance of his losing her. "I jus'... needed ta work that out, apparently."

He'd better still remember it in the morning.

Meredith isn't so simply convinced, glancing sideways at him as he moves closer, reluctant to let herself be reassured. "So what, now it's okay?" she asks. "I've been here through everything. I was here when you got back, waiting. Every time. That didn't do it, but a few words do?" She wants to put this right, but last time when she thought it was all okay, it turns out she was mistaken. She's not letting things be easily patched up now, not if it means going through this again in a month.

"It's nae that simple," Sean says, and while he shakes his head, his gaze stays locked unerringly on Meredith with the single-mindedness that only these rare, brief moments of perfect clarity bring. "Sometimes ye jus'... need ta sound things out 'fore they click, no matter how obvious they should be. Ye really hurt me, but I knew I'd done wrong, too, an' I was so eager t'put it behind us an' then so glad when we had that I jus' let it sit, let it make room f'r doubt when I wasnae lookin'." This all comes out in a partially-slurred rush, and he pauses to catch his breath for a second, tries to figure out how to condense this a little. "'M sorry."

Meredith closes her eyes and sighs. "So am I," she says, tired. It doesn't help, the reminder he's still drunk. For all she knows, all her hopes of doing better will wind up meaning very little soon enough and he'll give up on the effort. For all she knows, what seems more resolved now will be undone again come morning. "I'm not going to leave. I'm not going to go anywhere. I just... I get worried. We've had so many problems. I don't want another one that I could have avoided or stopped and I didn't."

"Problems happen," Sean says as ducks his head slightly and reaches up to cup her cheek, switching gears in order to comfort her. Already he feels better, an enormous weight lifting off of him, but that won't last if he's only sacrificed her peace of mind to gain back some of his. "Mistakes happen. Ye cannae beat yerself up o'er what should've been, or what could've if'n ye'd only acted differently. Or rather, ye can, the Lord c'n vow that I've been there enae times t'know, but ye shouldnae. We'll pull through it all either way. E'en if I forgot as much this time around."

"That's not what I meant," Meredith says, glancing over at him, her cheek still against his hand. It feels wrong to take that measure of comfort when she means the same thing which set all this in motion to begin with, when he's lived up to his word to cut back. She can't just bite back the words, though, not when she's already as good as scolded him for doing the same these last weeks. "I just... I'm not asking you to stop. But you get why it threw me off when you got home, right? I don't want the, the occasional exception to turn into slipping back down to where you were."

Another time, another day, a slightly more stable state of mind, and Sean likely wouldn't have any problem holding back his instinctual reaction to that. It's just the same misplaced concern as it was the last time, after all, nothing new. But as it stands, he can't quite help the cloud that passes over his features, however brief, the obvious hurt at what he can still only perceive as an insult. If anything, though, it just makes him draw himself closer to her as he steels himself against it, lets it pass. She's just worried, is all, whether she has any real cause to be or not.

"Can ye trust me in this?" he asks after a moment to collect himself, quiet but serious. That she thinks so much less of him than she used to is one thing, it's warranted, no matter how painful, but he needs her to still have at least some small measure of faith in him. There's little point in trying at all, otherwise, even if he's finally convinced that she won't just walk out on him if things get bad again.

Meredith sighs, hands settling on his arms. "Can you talk to me?" she asks, then shakes her head. That isn't right, that isn't what she really means. They talk all the time, but the more she's thought about it, the more she feels the lack of real communication is what pushed her as much as anything her sister had to say. "Not now, we are — we're talking. I mean... If things are bad, will you tell me? Because I can trust you, but when I don't know what's going on, when you won't tell me things, I — I don't know what to trust. I worry. It's hard not to when I don't get much to go on."

"I'll tell ye," Sean says simply before reluctantly admitting, "I do tell ye, it jus'... takes longer'n it should sometimes. I'll work on't." The problem before, with the drinking, is that there was nothing to tell, she knew exactly what was wrong since she'd been through it all as well. He was the one who'd been in the dark as to just how much it had apparently been affecting her. "That goes both ways, though. No more sittin' on these things f'r either of us. Full disclosure, least where it concerns the other."

"Full disclosure," Meredith echoes, though she's plainly less than certain. It's not so much a matter of being honest with him as it is that she knows herself well enough to know she's not all that good at that. "That's going to take some work for us both."

"That's alright," Sean says with a confidence that he probably isn't entitled to. Sometimes being cocky has its definite advantages. "Hard work's part an' parcel o' married life, that's jus' the way it goes."

"Oh, is it?" Meredith asks, brow raising, and jabs him lightly in the chest with one finger. "But we're not married yet. Does that mean I don't have to start on the hard work now?" As if just getting here hasn't been a trial and a half in its own right.

Sean sways slightly on his feet when she pokes him, a proper smile finally making itself known once again. "We should prob'ly get the practice in whene'er we can, though," he teases lightly. "Knowin' us, an' all." That, and he's beyond eager to start things out right, since he's apparently incapable of ending them that way.

"We need it," Meredith deadpans, though she can't fully stifle a smile. "And there's not much time left for that practice." It's just a matter of being patient a little longer until the dress is hers and they can finally move on. In spite of all the near crises, though, they've made it this far. A little longer won't kill them. "So you better get on that."

"I thought that's what tonight was," Sean says, looking briefly puzzled even if his smile doesn't fade. "Consider me on it, darlin'."

"Oh," Meredith says. "You're right, I guess that's exactly what it is." God knows it feels like work when these things happen, and not the kind she enjoys. "Well, see, we're started already."

"Now that doesnae sound like us at all," Sean says, and while he tries to stay appropriately deadpan as he does so, he doesn't quite manage to pull it off. He's simply feeling too good for that, having all of this finally sorted out between them. "Does this mean drawin' everythin' out as long as humanly possible's gonna be a thing o' the past, as well?"

Meredith laughs, brow raising as her head tips to the side. "Let's not get carried away," she says, then adds, "I don't do that. That's you." It might be her, too, but she's not admitting to anything. She's not accusing either, though. For the moment, things seem to be looking up again, and though she's still wondering if there's anything she should say before they settle into thing everything's just fine, she really just wants to go with it.

"Oh it is, is it?" Sean asks, still grinning and not buying it. He's not the one still waiting on a dress while also vowing not to care about it, after all, but that's not even a judgment so much as just an observation. As long as it all comes together in the end, he's through with fretting over how they get there. "In that case, does it mean I dinnae have ta knock it off?"

"No, you still do," Meredith says, slipping her arms up around his neck. "I'm looking forward to finding out what that's like, if only temporarily." She grins, chin tipping up. Whatever happens, she just has to remember, they'll pull through. It just always seems easier to keep that in mind when they already have.

"Mmm, well ye know how I do so hate t' disappoint ye," Sean murmurs, smiling as he kisses her soundly. It's been a long time since he's felt this secure in all the ways that matter, and he figures that can only improve once he sobers up. "An' so, in the interests o' gettin' a jump on that, I'm goin' ta get back t'me original plan o' puttin' some music on an' layin' down an' ye are more'n welcome ta join me."

"That book is terrible anyway," Meredith says with a shake of her head and a smirk. It's not always the book's fault; half the time when she doesn't know where he's gone, she can't concentrate properly no matter what's on the page. For the moment, she chooses not to think about that. He's here now. "Lead the way."

Sean smirks and puts one arm around her shoulders, not even bothering to break away to put something on and instead just awkwardly pressing play on whatever is already in the CD player with his foot as they pass. "Wouldnae want ye ta get lost, now would I?"

"Oh, so thoughtful, thank you," laughs Meredith. She wouldn't say she especially likes his taste in music these days, but it's grown on her, at least, become almost comfortingly familiar. They could do with some of that. "Because it's so far to the bedroom."

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