missingthekeep | Item Post [for Meredith]

Sean sleeps well these days. Not heavily, and not nearly as soundly on the nights he spends alone, but better than he's slept in what feels like years, certainly. Which is what he chalks it up to when it takes him a few minutes to come to as he rolls over in the night and slips his arm underneath his pillow, finding a piece of thin, hard plastic there for him to wrap his hand around. Eventually, the fact that something's not quite right with that manages to filter through to him and he sits up abruptly, trying not to wake Meredith in the process.

It's too dark to see, but he's got that sinking feeling in his stomach that lets him know something's wrong, and he decides to duck out, see if he can get a better look outside. Scrounging around on the floor for a second in the gloom, he manages to find a pair of jeans to pull on before he sneaks out, as quietly as can, and lets his eyes adjust to the moonlight and the dim glow from a light down the path.

Of all the things to randomly turn up, he never would have expected the damn disk he'd been sent to Germany after, but somehow, he's not surprised in the slightest when he recognizes it, flipping the slim case over in his hands. The only question left is why it's there. It's not like the ring, it's nothing personal or of any value to anyone, especially here where it's worth less than the materials it's made out of. He should just chuck it off into the trees somewhere and go back to bed, back where he's wanted, forget about it the way he's been doing for months. And yet...

Sighing, he scrubs a hand over his face and searches for a spot to sit down, leaning against his hut. Take a second to process it and then get on with his life, he can do that. Never mind the way it seems to remind him that, on those nights where he's all alone with his thoughts, this life can feel like one big lie. "Mission accomplished, boyo," he mutters under his breath, tapping his nails against it. All the hell he'd been through before coming to the island, all for this. Fat lot of good it does him now.

None of it was ever about the mission, anyway.

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Meredith hesitates, not wanting to give him an answer that's pure cop-out and not really sure what that answer would be either. "I don't know," she says finally, because it only seems fair to be honest. "I think so. Yes. It's... I don't like it. Of course I don't. But I'm not going to hold you accountable for something you might have done either. And what you did do..." She stops, fumbling for the words to express what she feels, mixed up as that is. It's not like the fact that he makes her happy in any way makes up for what he did to the man he did it to, let alone to Theresa, but she gets to take it into account. "I can deal with it. If I were just here for the good, there'd be no point."

Edited 2010-02-23 09:23 (UTC)

Sean lets out a breath held just slightly longer than usual and nods, running a hand along her arm. For better or for worse, she's in this. Looking forward, she's not the one he'll need to worry about, and that counts for a lot. "No point at all. Thank ye," he says, rallying a little more confidence into his voice. "'M sorry fer ever doubtin' ye, luv. An'... fer everythin'." He'll be holding himself plenty accountable for it all, anyway. Somebody has to, and given that there are so few people around who know, he's the only one who can. From her, he just needs acceptance so he can handle the rest, and whether he's earned it or not, that's for her to decide.

Meredith shakes her head, not entirely sure she deserves that, not when she can see how easy it would be to doubt. Maybe he should have told her before, but she doesn't know if they would still be here now if he had, if it would have been too much for her a year ago, too much even half a year ago. "Not for everything," she says, smiling a little as she looks up. "Some of it's been pretty good." Most of it's been pretty good. The way her life usually works, some of it's been downright miraculous.

"S'pose it has, at that," Sean says, like that thought hasn't been one of the foremost in his thoughts for a very long time now. His own smile is small and tired, but no less felt. "I'd even wager more'n some, but that's me. Jus' the things I need ta be apologizin' fer, then. That better?" Of which there are a lot more than he feels there has any right to be, but that's neither a new problem nor one that's exclusive to his relationship with Meredith. Not the greatest thing in the world to have to get used to, that, but it is what it is. He is who he is.

"Yes," Meredith says, nodding. It would be better still if there was nothing he had to apologize for, but that's just too much to hope for. He isn't and has never been a perfect person, and she'd be long gone anyway if he was. At least he admits when he's done something wrong, even if he feels the need to do so in the middle of the night. "Much. I accept your apology. Now will you come back to bed?"

"Yes," Sean says, and there's no pause, no hesitation whatsoever to it. "God, yes." It's all he's really wanted since before she came out to join him, and it's such a weight off his shoulders to have nothing keeping him from it anymore. To have nothing keeping him from doing a lot of things, now. Maybe it's been a thoroughly lousy night, but the next ones are already promising to be better. He leans forward to kiss her, quick, before he moves to force himself to his feet, lips still quirked upward. "Ye're amazin', ye know that?"

Holding onto his arm, Meredith follows suit, huffing out a laugh. "Not really," she says, heading for the door, "but you're always welcome to tell me I am." She still doesn't really believe it, but that doesn't mean she likes hearing it from him any less. Besides, she's not so certain this was all a matter of her being a model girlfriend so much as her being terrified to lose him. Either way, now that it's done, she's just ready to curl up with him and forget it again for a little while.

"An' ye're always welcome ta keep givin' me cause to," Sean says, fond and thankful. Sparing a quick glance behind him as they head inside, the disk catches his eye once more, but he elects to leave it on the ground where it was dropped. It'll still be there in the morning, he's damn near sure of it. He's so burned out, though, that what he's not so sure of is whether this whole mess will look better or worse when that hour rolls around, but he's willing to play at being hopeful for now. "Maybe it'll stick one o' these days." Not that that would stop him, naturally.

"Maybe." Meredith doubts that day will ever come, but it's nice to think it might and easier to believe possible than it used to be. He loves her for a reason, even if those reasons are beyond her to understand; it might not be everything, but most days, it feels like enough. Slipping out of her jeans and back into bed, she props her head up on her hand and adds, "You wouldn't believe me if I said you're amazing either, though."

How could he? After tonight, how could he even pretend? Still, there's no point in trying to contest the point or brush it off, she'd see right through him either way. "Guess we c'n both use regular remindin', then," Sean says, letting his jeans lay where they fall as he crawls back under the covers, ready to drop. A part of him chafes at being known so deeply, but it's an increasingly tiny part. More and more, it's just a comfort, a need for no more surprises, at least in this. "Love you."

Meredith leans in to kiss him before she lies down, welcoming the weariness creeping in again. "I know," she says, and that's kind of the best part, she thinks. She can second guess his actions, she can doubt when he mentions his wife, but she still knows. It doesn't mean she can't do with being regularly reminded of that, too. "I love you, too." She's made such a habit of not saying it that it's still a little strange, but pleasantly so, and she smiles as she turns away.

What's surprising to Sean is how it doesn't seem strange to hear it, even after so long. Just different, one more change for the better in his life that she's brought about. It's still going to take some getting used to. Slipping an arm around her waist, another smile eludes him but he gives a contended hum, closing his eyes. Tomorrow's another day, and at this point, it almost has to be a better one, no matter how much that might be tempting fate. If it gets him more of this, more of her, he's willing to take the chance.

Item Post [for Meredith]

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